Joker's Scale of Justice
by Words of Heresy
Summary: The famous Joker - Bane face-off, if their had been one, and how it might have played out. Or the the one where Joker tries to be fair (he really does) SLASH Batman/ Joker Bruce/Jack


A/N: OMG I'm terriable. I'm suppose to be studying but my muse attacked me and I had to get this out. Please don't expect any more updates until December, and if I do, scold me terribly!

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Bane was leaning against a wall in the sewer tunnel, cracking his knuckles with tempered fortitude. He will be here soon. His note said, 'I will be there soon" – that was over three hours ago, but Bane was nothing if not a patient man. A hiss filled the dull silence, and water rushed and rose to reach the level of his ankles. His leather army boots keeping the liquid from wetting his feet.

"Ah, hello there guv'ner," drawled a familiar voice. It only took Bane a moment to place it. The terrorist who was here months before the invasion. Some psychopath in make-up. Bane had watched all his self-made tapes and documented the extent of his damage. If he hadn't vanished from Arkham shortly before they released the convicts, they might have placed him instead of Crane, to judge the fair city.

"Are we alone" he crooned and skipped thought the water, like a child might do through puddles.

"Indeed we are," Bane didn't rise from his easy recline, but instead fixed the other with a look of ill-suppressed amusement.

"I've got a bone to pick with you," Joker lifted his hand and shook his index finger at him like a scolding child.

"Do you now?" and save for the mask over his mouth, Bane's face couldn't have radiated more mirth.

"Yep," Joker popped the 'p' between rouged lips, "I am the last man to hold a grudge, ask anyone" he spread his hands out to incorporate the empty room for support, "but you mountain-man, have crossed a line!"

"Is that so, why don't you tell me more about it little man," he said with a chuckle and finally pushed himself of the wall.

"It's simple really," Joker drawled and turned around to reach for something behind him. Drawing out a body bag from the dark he lugged it through the shallow water and dropped it in front of him. The body moved spasmodically like asps in a sandbag, and made a couple of stifled groans. The Joker causally kicked it into submission.

"And who might that be," inquired the terrorist, never dropping the amusement from his tone. The Joker smirked and casually kicked the bag to get whoever's inside to shift around.

"This is my formal complaint, signed, sealed and delivered," he tilted his head to the side. The look in the madman's eyes would have unnerved a lesser man, but Bane simply sighed and crossed his arms in mock contemplation.

"One of my men I presume?"

Joker made a non-committal noise. "You could say that."

When Bane made no move to approach the body, Joker huffed in annoyance. "Don't you want to study the nature of my complaint," he kicked the bag for emphasis.

Bane sighed.

"Is this you're only leverage?" he asked.

"I only have one complaint," shrugged the Joker.

"Than consider this," Bane said withdrawing a gun. Before the Joker could so much as blink, the other had the barrel aimed at the sealed hostage. A shot rang out, followed by a couple more, until the bag grew rouge with blood and the body inside ceased to struggle.

"Now you have nothing," he said, and aimed the gun at the prince of crime.

Joker popped his lips in contemplation, head hanging low to watch the seepage of blood reach the water and spread around like a lily pad.

"You should know better, little man," drawled Bane in a contemptuous tone, like a mother correcting a child; "than to come here all alone, with a single hostage and no alternative course of action. Your naivety has cost you your life."

Joker never lifted his face from where he was studying the passage of the blood, so he never saw the giant fall into the water, nor see a couple of his lackeys emerging out of the shadows and roping the sedated body with a bundle of old wire, and a pair of hand-cuffs he conveniently lifted of Gordon. But he heard the splash and watched the ripples of water carry away the blood in miniature tidal waves. They crashed rhythmically against his purple, rubber galoshes. He only looked up when the man across from him made some noises indicative of revival.

Bane's eyes were narrowed in menace, and he growled around the dirty sneaker one of his lackey's kindly decided to use in lieu of a gag. Joker glanced at his bare wrist.

"I see we are running out of time," he muttered, dropping his arm and turning all his attention on Bane.

"I just got out of the nut-house you know," he said conversationally, and gestured to his lackeys to bring the bound man forward. "So many commitments," he tutted. "Places to be, people to see and so on. Plus this whole business with the bomb has my boyfriend's panties all up in a bunch," he giggled madly.

Waving his hand in exasperation, he bent down and started unzipping the body bag, chatting away as he worked. "You might be surprised, but eight months of '_why can't you be a better person_'" he mimicked in a raspy, gruff voice, "can get to a guy. That and the sex-holdout," Joker sighed.

"So," he said and leveled Bane with a fierce look, all psychotic hilarity gone from his voice. "I heard you threw my Bat down a rabbit hole, after tearing his wings off; am I right?"

Bane would have growled if not for the shoe in his mouth, instead he settled for more glaring.

"I see," the Joker rubbed his chin in between thumb and finger, like the other had just told him a whopper of a story. "Well than that's understandable," he exclaimed, with a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. "All is forgiven, now that we're even and all. See?" he said and reaching into the bag pulled the body up by the hair. Talia watched Bane through dead, glassy eyes. Her face had been cut with a switchblade in parody of Joker's own scars. There was a bullet hole in her throat. Bane roared and struggled against his binds like a deranged beast. The two men on either side of him exchanged nervous looks. Would the cuffs hold?

"See it's really simple," said the clown, "you hurt my man, I carve your woman; and we're even. But then you just had to show off, didn't you?" scolded the clown. "Had to show me that you're all man below the belt, right sugar?"

Bane wailed and tears ran down his face. The Joker couldn't look less sympathetic. He clicked his tongue and turned back to the head he was still clutching in his hand. He turned it to face him and blew a kiss. Casually he dropped it into the water and rose from the ground. Whistling at his lackeys, Joker turned and started to walk away; the distant sound of police sirens echoing in the tunnel.

"Oh and by the way," he threw over his shoulder, never looking back, "I tipped of Gordy about your secret hide out. Your boy scouts are all wrapped up at the moment, waiting under the Christmas tree and your lady's hiding a GPS tracker in a naughty place." He lifted his hand and made a backwards wave. "Tuh-tuh!"

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**R&R**


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